5am already? My hand hits the snooze bar knowing I have two full “snooze slams” left until both eyes have to actually open. I deliberately set my alarm 20 minutes ahead so I can trick myself into thinking I am getting a few minutes extra of sleep; whatever works…it’s early, too early. I have always strived to be one of those folks who enjoy rising before the sun with a skip in their step, fluffed and folded and ready to greet the day with a smile. You know who they are…they’re at Starbucks at 5:30am, reading the newspaper, enjoying a fresh blueberry scone with a coffee. Yes, just a coffee…no double tall, non-fat, no whip, extra dry, sugar free, vanilla, hazelnut swirl, latte, mocha-chocha cappuccino but just a coffee; in their own mug from home… determined to save a tree or two. What are they doing?! Go back to bed!!! Starbucks will still be open at 9am and I am sure there will be a newspaper left over, scattered across the table from the other 5:30am’ers. Sadly, they will have left only the classifieds and business sections, but hey, it’s something to read. I want to be that person reading the left over classified and business sections with a delicious scone, plain Jane coffee, in my own mug at 5:30am; it’s not going to happen, ever. I can’t even say I try.
My extra twenty minutes has come to an end and I make a final slam with just the slightest hint of resentment and rage toward a small little black box known as the alarm clock. Who put it on the Latin music station? Is that Enrique Iglesias? He had his mole taken off…good PR move. I throw the covers to the side and toss one leg at a time off the bed; the bathroom awaits. The thirty minutes I use to reverse the aging process, allows me time to sort my thoughts and prepare for the day. Exercise clothes, a.k.a., my uniform which includes, sweatshirt, shorts, socks, hat? (only if I am having a bad hair day which is usually everyday) so yes, a hat, a swipe of mascara and some cherry flavored carmex. I love carmex. I prefer the regular flavor but there is no time to search through the abyss I call my lotion and potion basket so cherry will have to do. Recently, I have begun to notice it takes a small arsenal of goods to achieve my half-awake, puffy eyed vision of loveliness. My anti-wrinkle, anti-blemish, exfoliating, ultra nourishing, mineral infused, vitamin rich, microscopic bead, glycolic facial scrub is really a must to maintain my youthful radiance. After working up a sweat erasing years and a thin layer of epidermis from my face, I am almost ready to welcome the day with a brand new attitude. Not sure what that attitude is going to be just yet, but By God, it will be brand spankin’ new. Starbucks here I come. At 5:30 am, picking a radio station to listen to in the car becomes a challenge. I certainly am not ready for the morning antics of any “Morning Zoo Crew” so Talk Radio it will be. A little news and weather never hurt anyone and I don’t have to buy a newspaper. When the kids are in the car I have on the local Public Radio station which plays only classical music. My kids love me… really, they do. I like to make a game of it and see how many different instruments they can identify during a particular piece…string, wind, percussion, etc. It just oozes good-times…screw amusement parks, birthday parties and roller skating, I have Public Radio. I'll address the "D.J.'s" of Public Radio at a later date...it will take some time and focus.
Ahhhh, there is Starbucks, nectar of the Gods. Since there are just a few crazies that frequent Starbucks this early in the morning, me and the early-rise-do-gooders, the Baristas have come to know my order: A triple tall, non-fat, sugar free vanilla latte. Simple. Stephen always throws in an extra shot making it a quadruple. God bless Stephen. With coffee in hand and a wave to the scone-eating-tree-hugger, I make my way to the Pilates studio for my first client of the morning. The fifteen minute ride to the studio gives me the opportunity to wake up and plan what kind of session I will be providing. Which client do I have this particular morning? Oh yes, the farter. I really shouldn’t call her the farter but WOW! can she belt them out. She is my first client of the morning and quite a handful to say the least. As a Pilates and Yoga instructor, I have become accustomed to the frequent “release” of stinky gas and other weird bodily noises. It’s kind of like going to your doctor, no biggie, we have seen and heard it all and we are rarely fazed…until now. When a toot or two escapes from a client, I pretend I don't hear and they assume the same…all is well, the client is not embarrassed and it really is not a big deal, we all do it. Until this particular client walked through the front door. The farting started immediately and continued to happen not once, not twice not three times but for the ENTIRE hour session. Mary Mother of Jesus, what the hell did she eat to produce such a horrific amount of gas? A small animal? It escalated to a point where I could no longer pretend I didn’t notice. The releases would last a good 5-8 seconds, basically interrupting our session. Now, in real time, 5-8 seconds passes relatively fast but in fart-time, it feels like three days. Chronic Farting Syndrome??? Needless to say, she felt it necessary to address the issue and I welcomed any opportunity to shoo the very large elephant from the room. She mentioned that her vitamins and coffee were the culprit and she will make sure to have a clean system during our next meeting, whatever that entails. That next meeting came awfully fast and it looks as if the coffee and vitamins were in fact, not the culprit. The same thing happened during that session. Again, we discussed. She insisted no coffee or vitamins were involved and she thinks it might be her dinner from the night before. The small animal? We’re not sure exactly why the symphony of farting continues to happen for an entire hour, but I am putting my money on C.F.S. STAY TUNED, MORE TO COME...
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